For years I reversed the choices I made because I no longer believed that the path I was following would make me happy. Seeing I always believed that I could achieve anything I wanted, as long as I tried my hardest, it is rather frustrating to realize that I actually have no clue of what it exactly is that I want. In the pursuit of the perfect life, I constantly come to the conclusion that my expectations rarely match reality. When this realization happens, I change my course again in the endless quest for happiness. Sometimes though, it seems that every choice that should have made me happy rather brought me misery.
I’m a 25-year-old Dutch student, in the second year of what is now my fourth study. It may be obvious that the previous three studies did not end in success. For all three times, the biggest reason to stop was that my future perspectives made me feel hopeless. An empty-handed fate looked brighter than a destiny in which I had no confidence. Although a future in which I would stand idly on the sideline watching others become successful is hardly something I would define as a success, keeping all options open felt much better than giving up my dreams of happiness.
How my perfect and happy life would look like? As I said, I find it quite difficult to determine what it is I want and this is mainly due to various contradicting desires:
- I want complete ownership and control of what I am doing and I want an employer
- I want to be the best in my field and I don’t want to sacrifice too much for my work
- I want a lot of responsibility and I will not deal with matters that have nothing to do with the work I’ve chosen
- I want stability and my life should not be routine
Although I repeatedly come to the logical conclusion that this combination of desires is absolutely unrealistic, I just can not resist hoping it might. I only wish that this hope will not entail inevitable disappointment. That is why I get my peace of mind from the fact that the things that are currently making me happy are not the result of careful planning and years of hard work, but simply got on my way by chance. This is not only because these things are simply not in my hands, but also mainly because I notice that after a few years my priorities change. Therefore, currently, at the top of my wish list for the future is flexibility to go along with the wind that is blowing through my life.
Anonymous.